For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
Romans 7:18-20
On our way to school the other morning, I froze as my 5-year-old daughter asked me, “Mom, did you always listen when you were little?” We’ve entered a season of pushing limits, and consequently, obeying is a struggle we’re navigating in our house. I hesitated but truthfully squeaked out a “not always.” Internally, I contemplated my response, which brought me to the realization that the struggle to do good and obey never ends. As the conversation grew into a teachable moment around consequences, asking for forgiveness, and the desire to please God, I was reminded that even though our flesh will never stop struggling to obey and do what’s good, thankfully, neither does the grace of Jesus.
Young adulthood, especially on a university campus, has an interesting and dangerous way of enticing you into a focus on worldly desires. I considered myself a Christian, being raised in the church and proclaiming my faith through believer’s baptism, but God was now in the backseat. At the same time, my flesh-filled sinful desires of pride, selfishness, debauchery, and self-gratifying emotions took the wheel.
I became messy, lonely, and overwhelmed. Obsession over my physical body took root in an eating disorder; pridefulness consumed a desire to prove my greatness among peers; perfectionism and jealousy were consuming, and intimacy outside of marriage was normal. I wasn’t an honorable Christian, continually focusing on myself and worldly relationships instead of a relationship with my Savior.
In the small book of James, he illuminates a big message,
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.
James 1:22-25
There I was, looking in the mirror, a face I owned, but the reflection was unnoticeable. Having Jesus in my heart, my soul's desire was to do good. Why didn’t I? Thinking back to that part of my life, I’m disgusted, embarrassed, and ashamed, but thankfully, God has and continues to transform me. Praise the Lord; that girl is now a testimony, and with His mercy, I’m enabled to mature into the complete joy He proclaims in my life.
As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”
1 Peter 1:14-16.
Although low and entrenching, the valleys are where I surrendered and found myself humbled. Held by the Savior and with guidance from the Holy Spirit, I sought Christ more than ever before. A shift in my life occurred when the Holy Spirit convicted me to reflect on my sins, acknowledge, not ignore, and fervently ask God’s forgiveness. Prayer wasn’t something I engaged in wholeheartedly. I knew God saw all things, and I figured He would forgive me anyhow. Prayer was something I said before meals and in bed, but prayer was lacking in my life. Eventually, I felt the Holy Spirit demanding that prayer be taken seriously and given high priority. Instead of scoffing, I surrendered to prayer. Then, through His urgency and strength, I confessed my sins, felt the weight of their implications, and begged for forgiveness.
John declares, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). In addition, Proverbs 28:13 states, Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.
It sounds cliché, but when I prayed, I stopped hiding from my sins and downplaying their implications. I felt the weight of it all lifted off my shoulders. In that instance, I wasn’t owned by sin but renewed in the truth that a merciful God owned me. Prayer, in all its divinity, is a relationship that takes work. Without regular, quality time with the Lord, laziness, doubts, and sin are invited to the VIP section of your life. The way God communicates with me, by way of prayer and through the Holy Spirit, has been one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced. In my effort to seek Him, He’s providing the tools I need to deny sinful desires, even at the expense of struggles and temporary disobedience, one hard lesson at a time. As I turn my desires to righteousness and ask Him to pivot my focus toward His will, I feel my faith flourish.
…The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
James 5:16.
Although prayer creates a habitat for righteousness in our hearts, walking in faith doesn’t equate to life without struggle. You know the pounding in your chest when a situation or circumstance doesn’t feel right? Personal relationships tend to create an openness for feedback. Feedback in the form of conviction is real; real hard to swallow. For example, have you ever swallowed a Dorito without fully chewing it? Those cheesy edges turn into tiny daggers, tearing up your esophagus on the way down. Admittedly, I wasn’t prepared for what He was bringing to light under the microscopic lens of His holiness. I found myself becoming defensive and angry with each conviction. Like an arrow to the heart (or Dorito to the throat), the Holy Spirit reveals with each struggle the thoughts, words, and actions polluting any righteousness I am working to obtain. I still find myself grumbling internally with each conviction. As much as I want to cast the blame on others, I know I need to be accountable for my growth. Waving my white flag, I’ve started making the effort to surrender, but not without asking God for strength while leaning into His convictions and revealing my awareness of the unrighteousness in my heart. I have confidence to advance and flourish in His sanctification, being able to turn from the same sinful desires I’ve struggled with in the past.
The process of Christ-like transformation is never-ending; the Bible clearly states that truth. Only God is perfect, and we as humans in the world can never be. However, I must be honest in the fact that His never-ending grace and love are not an excuse for unrighteousness. Our actions and lifestyle should, without a doubt, yearn to purposefully imitate His goodness the first time around. Satan, however, revels in the fact that we are human, stunning us into hesitation with His almost truths and putting a bow on deception.
Matthew sets the expectation of temptation in 4:8-10.
Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. And he said to him, “All these I will give you, if you will fall down and worship me.”
The conscious choice I’ve made to focus on a life for God isn’t easy; living in a sinful world and giving in to desires isn’t easy; denying sin isn’t easy. What makes the not-easy easier is knowing I have strength in an understanding Jesus. Life isn’t a lone venture. He’s been through much worse but is now reigning in the kingdom of Heaven, and …the joy of the Lord is my strength. It is a constant assurance and encouraging word from Nehemiah, who had his own share of battles. God is a purposeful Provider, gracious Protector, and truthful Revealer, among many other incomprehensible qualities. Although I anticipate the need for forgiveness and can expect sin to wage war on the righteousness of my heart, I find strength and peace, surpassing understanding.
I woke up with breath in my lungs this morning, so my journey isn’t over. Before you finish reading this, I’m sure I’ve been overcome by fleshy desires. I have complained; I let jealousy fester; I allow anxiety to control my mind; I get angry; even tithing honorably has been a conviction on my heart, but strength and will to overcome is not of the flesh but of the Lord. I have the desire from the Lord to do what is right, but I can’t do it alone. Jesus is my Advocate. Through prayer, with conviction and confession, I actively grow through His continuous sanctification. In humbleness, I pray, lean into God, and submit myself to Him, rejoicing in His abundance over and over again.