I sit here on Good Friday, contemplating Jesus’ death and thinking about how all of His followers would have felt ahead of the resurrection. I wonder how many of them would have still called themselves Christ-followers at that point. Though I wasn’t around at that point in history, I have my own life experiences that could have brought me to the brink of my faith, yet Christ Jesus has carried me throughout this life, because the Lord knows I cannot do it alone—we weren’t designed to do it alone. This brings me to one of my favorite verses:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I deal daily with my weaknesses and have dealt with a fair number of hardships, insults, persecutions, and thankfully not quite as many calamities. Most days, the difficulties I face make me ever more aware of the hand of Christ over my life, but I can say there was one chapter of my life that has brought me to say that “I’m still a Christian, even though…” my son passed away shortly after birth.
Having children has always been a dream of mine, so when I became pregnant with my first child, we were thrilled! I was young and healthy, and there were absolutely no concerns during any of my prenatal checks … until I found myself at 26 weeks pregnant delivering my son by emergency c-section. The thought of his little cry, the only interaction I had with him outside the womb while he was still alive, brings me to tears even now. When our Savior, Christ Jesus, took his final breath on the cross and exclaimed, It is finished! (John 19:30), I can only imagine the heartbreak that his mother felt there at his side and His Heavenly Father agonizing as Jesus descended into the abyss of death; utter separation from God the Father. But He was not done yet! He rose from the dead and conquered spiritual death forever! In this, I have hope as a Christian that I will not only be with God in heaven one day, praising and glorifying His holy name, but I will also see my son there. It is this immense love for my children that has taught me more and more of God’s unconditional and perfect love for us as our Heavenly Father.
What if I weren’t in a third-world country at the time?
What if I had paid attention to my symptoms sooner?
What if the ambulance hadn’t driven so slowly?
What if the hospital had a modern NICU?
What if my son had survived?
What if?
What if?
What if?
So many “what if” scenarios and “why” questions have run through my mind around this situation, but what is abundantly clear to me is this:
Hallelujah, He is always here with me.
Hallelujah, He is the Great Comforter.
Hallelujah, He loves me unconditionally—far more than I could ever imagine, and not only despite my weaknesses but shows up through them.
Hallelujah, He has saved me, and all who would believe in His Son Jesus.
Hallelujah, He has a purpose and a plan for all situations to be worked out for the good of those who love Him.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah!
Holy, Holy, Holy is He, the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world! I wait in eager expectation of eternity to sing His praises forevermore! After that hard season, immediately after my son’s death, there was another fresh, new hard season that I hadn’t expected— infertility. We didn’t have that issue with my son, so for seven long years we asked more why questions, and prayed and waited, and prayed and waited some more. I didn’t believe in some of the popular solutions to infertility, but through a series of miracles, when the timing was right according to God’s will, we were blessed with identical twin girls. They are a testament to God’s abounding grace and love in my life, and though they will never take the place of my son, my heart is filled with God’s love more than I could have ever imagined after the loss. Praise God from whom all good things come!