In the beginning, God created man and when He surveyed all that He had created, as magnificent as it was, His creation was not quite finished. He said, It is not good that man should be alone. Interestingly, this seems to have been in God’s mind from the very beginning. Genesis 1:26 (ESV) says, Then God said, let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth. Man was never meant to be alone. From the beginning: God built into mankind a need for companionship, so He created woman: a helper suitable for man, someone he could relate to, explore this new world with, someone to challenge him, someone to counsel him, someone to love and comfort him, and someone to be his first friend!
Just as God reveals himself to us in the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), there are three types of love mentioned in the Bible: agape (God’s love for us), eros (the love between man and woman), and third, phileo (the bond between good friends, brotherly love). It is phileo love we are going to explore here.
One early example of phileo love is the friendship between David and Jonathan. Other examples are shown in the relationship between Jesus and Lazarus, Paul and Timothy, and Ruth and Naomi. Jesus spoke of His disciples as friends. Obviously, friendships are an integral part of our humanity.
What makes these friendships so special? I believe there are three characteristics that define phileo friendships, and I would like to share with you four of my own friendships that exemplify the characteristics that make them so valuable.
A Friend That Challenges
Ginny was an unusual choice for church staff. Her previous job was managing a casino, but her life had changed and she was no longer comfortable there. I hired Ginny because of her personality and because I really felt God’s leading to do so. I came to love her because of her character. This energetic Irish redhead quickly became one of the most treasured people in my life. I have never known anyone who could tell you the truth about yourself (or your current attitude) with more honesty, love, and humor, or anyone hungrier for growth and understanding. Everyone needs someone who loves them enough to say, “Okay, time to lose the attitude!” or “You are right and you had better speak up or I will kick your behind!" Ginny became my sounding board - the one who pushed me to be better, stronger, and more courageous. She is a giver emotionally, and one of the few people I know who seem totally without guile. You can’t help but love her if you are around her for more than ten minutes. (If you don’t believe me, just ask her!)
A Friend That Counsels
When I first met Anita, she seemed reserved, very much in control of her emotions, with a perpetual positive attitude, and with a kind of experienced wisdom that exudes confidence. She could find something good in every situation. I watched as she dealt with difficult people with a gentleness that I lacked. She never lowered her standards, but was able to reach out to people going the wrong direction in life and say, “No, come this way,” pointing to the footsteps of Jesus. She evaluated the effect of her actions and her approach before speaking. Her counsel kept me out of trouble on more than one occasion and taught me the value of grace and wisdom in dealing with others.
A Friend That Comforts
I have been blessed to have two friends in my life who possessed the ability to encourage and comfort every life they touched:
A.J. came to work at the Church shortly after I joined the staff. She had a quiet grace and elegance that reminded me of the Proverbs 31 woman, but the quality I admired most was her sense of loyalty. She had a way of accurately discerning the true character of a person and always assumed the best about them. She is the person who remembers to call weeks after the funeral, asks to see pictures of your grandkids for the umpteenth time, and who can take one look at you and say, “What’s wrong?” or, for that matter, “What’s right in your life?” She is a care giver, whether she is nursing an invalid parent or empathizing with one of the women she has mentored. That kind of friendship takes a lot of energy. I am not sure she chose that role. I think it chose her. Her home is always open and the place people want to be. I consider her friendship a real gift.
I met Phyllis thirty years ago after our sons became best friends in high school. It did not take long for us to develop that same best friend bond. She was the friend I could always be myself with. Phyllis passed into heaven a couple of years ago, but I still catch myself wanting to call her whenever I face a problem, when something wonderful happens in my life, or when I just need some emotional support. We walked together through a variety of illnesses, loss, weddings, graduations, financial and emotional disasters, spiritual highs and lows, births, miscarriages, and adoptions. We have seen each other at our very best and at our worst, yet she was never judgmental, always there to comfort and support. We grew comfortable with each other, yet she still managed to surprise me. She made me laugh because she loved life so much. A few years ago, I lost the job I had loved and devoted my life to for over ten years. She showed up at my door an hour later with a bag full of chocolates and a bottle of wine, held them up and said, “Okay, are we gonna drink or eat chocolate?” Phyllis was the friend who was always there, willing to cry with you, or make you laugh through your tears!
Bottom line? We were made for companionship. The people you surround yourself with will influence who you are and you will do the same for them, so I encourage you to seek out friends that exemplify challenge, counsel, and comfort (the three C’s of phileo love) and make them part of your life.